Why Mario Sucks: Characters

We all know Mario, that pudgy Italian plumber in the overalls. Over the years, we can all admit to playing at least one Mario game. And the fact is, we (including me) enjoyed it. But gameplay's not what people hate about Mario. One of the things I hate are those damn characters.

Mario- My biggest beef with Mario is the fact that he isn't a character, he's an avatar. Many games have characters who are in fact an actual character, and an avatar (Ex. Drake from Uncharted). But Mario isn't a character. You could replace him with Obama, me, or a moving radio and all you would have to change is the name of the game.

Luigi- Same as Mario. However, one thing I like about Luigi is the fact that he's a coward. More on that below.

Peach- "MARIO, HOW ABOUT YOU COME RESCUE ME FROM EVIL TURTLES FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, AND I'LL GIVE YOU A KISS ON THE CHEEK!" Peach is such an ungrateful, whiny bitch, and with Bowser Jr always saying Peach is his mom, a few people need to talk with Maury Povich.

Wario- He's not original. Wario, alongside his pedophilish friend Waluigi, were just made to be mirror counterparts of Mario and Luigi. One game is fine, but him in several is just ridiculous.

Yoshi- Fag

DK- I must admit, the gorilla's a pimp, what with his slut of a girlfriend.

Yeah, total slut.

But DK doesn't know how to fight. Why, in his first appearance, he threw BARRELS at a regular human. Come, on, a 600 lb monkey can't go up to the guy and knock him one? Just once?

Bowser- The guy is an evil, giant, spiny, turtle. If I were Mario, I would be scared out of my mind. Luigi has every right to be a coward. Yet, all he does is lust after Peach. Why not take over McDonald's or something? He has all of those goombas and koopas, he can do something other than putting them in constant danger.

 

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Merry Halloween!